I’ve come to the realization that, generally speaking, Christians don’t grieve well. We are afraid of grief. This is why we try to bolster those who’ve experienced painful loss with advice or words of encouragement, like, “God will not give you more than you can handle,” or, “Remember, she’s in a better place now” or, “Keep praising the Lord.” Why are we so uncomfortable with grief?
Loss is a part of life. We parents need to help our children learn this. We need to help them learn to grieve well, which means, at the very least, they shouldn’t be made to feel that they need to pretend that everything is okay when they are sad.
A part of grieving is leaning into your uncomfortable and unpreferable emotions, like sadness and confusion and anger. Take time to ask yourself why you feel as you do. For example, when one of my mentors died, I felt particularly unsettled. His death was especially difficult for me because there were some unfinished conversations. He had descended into rank legalism and I had grave concerns for his spiritual health. We had begun a discussion about this but it was cut short by his unexpected death.
One way to help yourself grieve well is to learn to lament. To lament is to express a frustration regarding our loss to God, to complain to Him, if necessary, about the seeming unfairness of our loss or the confusion surrounding it. It generally helps to compose your own psalm of lament. Read the particular psalms from the Bible in which the writer pours out his complaint, virtually accusing God of dereliction of duty (see especially, Psalm 6,10,38,42,43, 130). When you lament, you must not edit your frustration. These writers didn’t.
Write out your own psalm of lament. Let it all hang out. If you are too fussy about keeping your language appropriate, it’s not likely you will express your deepest pain. God has very big shoulders and He wants to hear you express what you are feeling even if it’s being communicated through expletives.
Next week we'll discuss funerals and why, generally speaking, they don't help us grieve.